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Insomnia, Pink Floyd, Anti-depressants

However, whenever I sit down to write…
After a few lines, everything begins to seem so distant, so made up.
Either it’s overladen with emotions or too not me.
But it’s just that there are moments when I feel too desperate to ink down my pent-up emotions, half-baked dreams, tear-dried feelings, and all that I have got and all that I have not.
It’s either too hard to be a writer or I’m too much fickle-minded and too less precise to be one.

I have had a breakup.

She sighed and put the pen down and screamed in her head in desperation.
Frustrated, she checked the bedside clock.
3:30 a.m.
The 3rd sleepless night straight in a row.
Soon, Pink Floyd began buzzing in her sunken ears.
“Please leave me alone!!! Please!!”, Aditi shouted as she was choking upon her own tears; her tired eyes gazing at a photo of them together, a rather sheepish selfie of the two.

“While you were hanging yourself in someone else’s words,
Dying to believe in what you’ve heard…
I was staring straight  into the shining sun…”
As the second anti-depressant was being popped in…these lines were hovering in her head, and Aditi was pretty sure of one thing.
THIS IS NOT GONNA BE EASY.

Let’s face it. This is just one picture I have tried to put together. Yet, there are hundreds, thousands, millions who must be undergoing almost the same phase right now.
We have all had heartbreaks. I am not here to speak for all those strong people who have shown the guts to finally overcome it. My personal kudos to all you there.
And there are people like her. No matter how much time you devote, months of “trying out everything” later, you still find yourself stuck in the same place.
That song, “six degrees of separation” is like your anthem all this while. You try out everything.
Smoking, getting drunk, very often even the infamous Herb; Yes there is quite a handful who do these.
You get insane, especially those wee midnight hours that you have to fill with your deafening loneliness. There are even ones who self-injure themselves, their shallow insensitivities considering it a perfect way to escape the emotional wounds is to give themselves one physical reason to cry upon.
Pink Floyd is like your ventilation now. And anti-depressants your candies.
Yet, you fail to move on.
And then comes the next phase, when you stop harming yourself and start keeping yourself too busy with work, loads and loads of work, not letting one single moment of his/her thoughts to bother you. You smile proudly thinking it’s over; only to realise one idle afternoon or at the break of a nightmare that,
You have not yet moved on.

Your friends are like, “We have given up on you. This way you will never be able to get over him(/her).” And thereby comes your desperate efforts to prove to them that you have indeed moved on. Random dates, rebound relationships, partying hard and then someday you just stop expressing; expressing your still-afresh feelings for that person out loud to the world, and you learn to suffer on your own. Silent tears lining your path to evident indifference to life.
You stand in front of the mirror and try to figure out what is wrong with you. You cry into your pillow.  All that catches your eye are only the happy couples around you. You sigh and you die, over and over again. Sudden thoughts of that person with his new girlfriend just poison your insights. You survive,  but you don’t live.

Now, I am not here to state the symptoms for you to mourn more. All I want to say is yes, there is a way!
You have suffered long enough for someone who doesn’t care, isn’t it?
The best way to get out of loving someone is to focus all your love on another Person. The one you meet every day in the mirror.The one who will never ever betray you. The one you have done injustice to for so long, yet he/she had borne all with infinite tolerance.
“The mirror is my best friend because when I cry, it never laughs.”
Charles Chaplin
Have you ever wondered this?
That person is the one. Instead of finding faults with him/her, the next time you look through the Looking Glass, appreciate how beautiful that person is. What a golden heart that person has. How much of potential he has. How much he can endure. How much he can do.
Just think, that guy/girl you are being sad about, haven’t you done enough sacrificing and compromising and unconditionally caring for them? Just wonder how amazing it would be if you do the same for your very own self!
Coz you can’t put all your effort to make another person better or mould yourself the way he/she likes. Try the same for yourself, and you have no idea what results it can yield !!
Love Yourself. Indulge yourself. Embrace yourself. Spoil yourself. Be selfish.
Be You.

                                   HER
There she stood.
Amidst The broken lyrics of impassiveness
And dead dreams.
Her fears shredding down the shackles of
The myth of happiness
That has blinded Humanity.

 Imprisoned Time played upon her flute.
The tune of stale insanity in desperation of freedom.

She hummed, she sighed.
She danced. She lied.

She floated in the mystic darkness. 
Sensuous raindrops trickling down all over her soul.

Her heart overflew with the pleasure of fulfilment.
That she was gifted by loneliness.
She was complete.
She was content.
She was drenched.
She was.
HER…

Have a great day ahead, with yourself.
Take care.

 

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